Often times I feel like I’m on trial in my day to day life; my own defendant arguing that I am worthy of love against an environment prosecuting me for not fulfulling the expectations that it would deem necessary for such a status.
An environment that says: To be attractive is adhere to western sensibilities. To be a man is to do your duty in providing, not only for yourself but for others; anything less is an excuse and admittance of boyhood unworthy of investing time or energy. To be productive is to amass capital and to leverage that capital for the sake of it’s own growth.
I am very aware of the fact that this isn’t a healthy way of approaching the value of a human life, and it isn’t how I view myself, but it is how I’m judged in a culture of self interest and if I want to be loved, to be valued, to be respected, to be desirable in that culture, I have to navigate the world with a level of cognitive dissonance.
I have to belive that my value is not tied to my ability to perform masculinity, to adhere to western standards, to win the game of capitalism to preserve my own sense of self worth and to keep the hope that we might reach a point that those are no longer the standards we hold ourselves to.
I also have to adhere to those standards if I want anything to get anywhere in life.
Somtimes I can smile and power my way through that double think. Sometimes, it feels like it’s tearing me apart at the seams.
Ray